Caroline Adams Miller, MAPP

When we believe our youth are too fragile to deal with stress, but their brains are filled with images of Instagram perfection and YouTube moments of fame that they have no idea how to achieve, why would we expect them to be anything other than depressed or anxious when staring at their future?

‘You’re not a failure,’ I reassured her. ‘You’re just a high achiever who had learned everything you needed to know to learn in your last job in order to set high goals and succeed, and you just skipped over the learning part of this new life of yours by assuming that working harder would be the answer.’

We must learn mastery by persisting through setbacks, which is how we learn to thrive and succeed—and you can’t buy, fake, or wait for someone to do this for you.

The good news is that the science already exists in Locke and Latham’s goal setting theory, and it is universally acclaimed, but rarely included, in any of today’s popular productivity approaches. Any success strategy must start with an understanding of their seminal theory, which ought to be required learning in every school in the world.

Thus, if learning how to achieve important goals to feel masterful satisfies a basic human need, and we are born helpless, it means that one of the greatest tools we can learn or teach others is the science of how to accomplish the big goals that are key to thriving. This is my mission.

We can fantasize about our big goals all day, create brilliant strategies to pursue those dreams, and then recruit an amazing team of cheerleaders and mentors who stand ready to teach us, coach us, support us and believe in us, but none of these actions will matter unless you are willing, ready and able to make the investments in yourself that will spell the difference between crossing the finish line and being an almost-ran. And the most important investment you’ll need to make if you want to be successful is to spend your time wisely and well.

When you write about your life in the future as if everything has gone as well as possible, three days in a row for at least fifteen minutes, elaborating as much as possible about where you are living, who is around you, what occupies your time, and what emotions you experience, your goals can become clearer and you can see that future self more clearly in your mind’s eye.

The simple act of identifying a goal does several important things: you immediately scan your brain for what you do and don’t know about how to accomplish the goal, and quickly identify helpful resources and knowledge; your focus is narrowed and anything that is pertinent to that goal is more likely to catch your attention while useless information is more readily ignored; creates zest and optimism.

Goal setting theory was one of two research papers that became the bedrock of my newfound approach to goal setting and creating success. The other one was ‘The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect’ by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ed Diener, and Laura King. This meta-analysis showed that—contrary to most beliefs—we only succeed in our goals when we are in a flourishing emotional state beforehand. We do not become happy because we achieve something; we prime the pump for success when we elevate our wellbeing first in a variety of ways, from practicing gratitude to having a regular meditation practice.

Unfortunately, anyone versed in goal setting science knows that the SMART framework is inadequate and can even prevent goal accomplishment.

My experience taught me that grit is definitely not a quality reserved for the select few; it is available to anyone who wants something so badly that they won’t let anyone stop them until they’ve gone as far as they can, often achieving or coming close to that which they sought.

Agreeing to an ‘if-then’ contract with yourself also triples your chances of accomplishing tough goals.

Dweck has gone one step further in her research and discovered that the use of a simple word ‘yet’ can create greater persistence when facing challenges. If you tell a child that they ‘didn’t answer the math questions correctly *yet*,’ that one word opens their minds to the idea that they can eventually solve the problems. She found that not only did the children become grittier, they also became more zestful, creative and hopeful when ‘yet’ opened up their eyes to the possibility of a different, limitless future. If ‘yet’ can change mind-set, imagine how many other words and phrases can unlock resilience and stick-to-itiveness!

For people who want to set the bar high, grit is an essential character strength, and when I coach someone who doesn’t have it, I tell them that if they want to work with me, they’ll need to do things they have never done before, like say no to temptation and yes to constructive feedback. And when someone is ready for that challenge, it is a wonderful ride for both of us.

If you demonstrate self-control one day, but not regularly, or you can persist when you want to, but not most of the time, then you will not cultivate authentic grit—instead, you are someone who is dabbling in grit. If you develop a purpose, but don’t set goals and get feedback about fulfilling your destiny, you are just another dreamer. And if you choose to give to others only when it suits you, instead of building a team of reciprocal relationships powered by generosity and altruism, you may achieve some of your goals, but you will always celebrate alone.

People with grit are renowned for setting hard—some would say unrealistic—goals. Because people with grit don’t go for easy, low-hanging fruit and have to work persistently for a long time to see success, their pursuit of tough goals, and often their success in achieving them, is what inspires other people to step out of their comfort zone, too.

The ability to ‘focus’ and do ‘deep work’ has been described as ‘the IQ of the 21st century by Cal Newport, author of Deep Work, who says adults who can focus will be the most prized individuals in coming years.

Locke and Latham also found in many studies that measurable goals produced more and better efforts. ‘That which cannot be measured cannot be achieved,’ they summarized beautifully in their seminal textbook.

Implementation intentions (if-then scenarios) not only triple the likelihood of taking important actions toward accomplishing goals; they are most effective when used on hard-to-accomplish goals.