Succeed

Self-control: We can build it up just like we build up our muscles. AND, when we build it up in one area it enhances self-control in other areas!

That’s incredibly cool.

Let’s take advantage of little opportunities to train by giving ourselves mini-workouts throughout the day. Whether it’s resisting the unhealthy food, breathing when we’re stuck in traffic, sitting up straight as often as we remember, exercising x times per week, eating more veggies, …

Whatever it is, go out and rock it! And, remember that the more energy you put into developing self-control in one area, the more it’s going to benefit other areas!!

Well, there ya go.

Over 1,000 (!!!) studies have been done around the world to scientifically establish the fact that we perform better when we set SPECIFIC goals that challenge us.

Begs the question: What kind of goals are you setting these days? Specific and challenging?!

Keep this in mind: “Of course, you shouldn’t set goals that are not realistic or are impossible to reach. Difficult but possible is the key. That’s because more difficult goals cause you to, often unconsciously, increase your effort, focus, and commitment to the goal; persist longer; and make better use of the most effective strategies.”

Reminds me of Tal Ben-Shahar’s wisdom from his great book Happier (see Notes) where he tells us we want to set “stretch goals”—which are right in between our “comfort” and “panic” zones—where we stretch enough so that we’re out of our comfort zones, but not SO far that we snap!

Back to you: What’s your #1 goal right now?

Let’s get specific. :)

My #1 Challenging Goal right now is: ________________________________________

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(If you need to go take some action in the direction of that goal, btw, please go for it. We’ll wait for you. :)

P.S. For those curious souls, my #1 Goal right now is: To finish PN-II (another 100 Notes on awesome optimal living classics (PDFs + MP3s + PNTVs)) by August 31st, 2011. This is #47 and it’s March 28th as I type this. So, I have 5 months to get the next 53 done (+ all 100 of the TVs). This is a specific, difficult but possible goal that motivates me and keeps me focused!!

Wish me luck as I send best regards on you crushing your #1 specific and challenging goal! :)

To re-cap: Successful people are confident that they will be able to achieve their goals AND they are confident that there will be plenty of challenges to overcome in the process.

This is a REALLY (!) Big Idea.

And, when I say REALLY (!), I mean *REALLY* (!!!!!) BIG.

I’ve read a fair number of goal setting and general self-dev books at this point and I can’t EVER remember reading one that referenced these studies. Part of a much longer chat about the over-emphasis on the power of intention and vision boards and all that jazz (see more below). For now, let’s remember that “successful people not only have confidence that they will eventually succeed, but are equally confident that they will have a tough time getting there.”

And, on that note, let’s check in on our prior specific and challenging goal and add some obstacles we *know* we’re going to face.

This is My #1 Goal: ____________________________________________________

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These are some of the challenges I’m going to face en route to rockin’ it: ________________

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Nice.

P.S. For those curious souls, the challenges I’m going to face include: The time is going to go *really* fast. If I fall behind, I won’t hit my goal of creating 100 Notes for PN-II by August 31st. And, I definitely won’t hit my goal unless I force myself to read and write every day—ideally not allowing myself to get online before noon so I don’t get distracted and lose a day.

That’s another super saucy Idea. Let’s unpack it a bit.

First, mental contrasting. It’s the psychological phrase for imagining our ideal outcome and then contrasting that with all the things that will get in the way of us achieving it. We basically did this in the prior Idea but let’s go ahead and do it again for your goal right now.

Imagine how *awesome* it’s going to feel to crush your goal. You achieved it. YES!!! Nice work.

* pat on the back *

Now, contrast that with what stands in the way of you achieving that goal. Yep, there’s that challenge. And that one. And that one. And don’t forget that one…

Sweet. Mental contrasting done.

As you enjoy the pleasant feeling of imagined achievement and the sobering clarity of the challenges involved, don’t you feel the necessity to act brewing?!? (Me, too. :)

How ‘bout a new rule: For every goal we set for ourselves, let’s commit to making it specific and (appropriately) challenging, then let’s do our mental contrasting: imagining attaining the goal AND imagining all the obstacles.

Then let’s take persistent action, confident in our ability to achieve our goals as we get a little better every day facing the inevitable ups and downs!! :)

Love it.

This is another theme we’re exploring often in PN-II. Halvorson references Edward Deci, the researcher who delineates the science of intrinsic vs. extrinsic goals in his classic book, Why We Do What We Do. Check out the Notes for more goodness.

Back to you!

Where are you focusing YOUR energy? On developing relationships, personal growth and making a contribution? Or, on going after fame, wealth or beauty?

Choose wisely!!! :)

And while you do that, keep this gem from Halvorson in mind: “All that glitters isn’t gold. Goals that are all about obtaining external validation of self-worth—like being popular, famous, or rich—not only won’t make you truly happy, but will actively diminish your sense of well-being, by interfering with the pursuit of goals that will really benefit you. If you have goals like these in your life, it’s time to rid yourself of them.”

Getting better vs. being good.

Those are two different orientations we can have in life and in goal setting. (They roughly map over Carol Dweck’s “growth vs. fixed” mindsets. Check out the Notes on Mindset for more goodness on that!)

The basic idea: When we approach life with a “being good” mindset, we’re constantly trying to prove ourselves. We’re paranoid that any blunder we make might be the evidence that shows the world how messed up we are. So, we avoid taking action and freak out when we inevitably DO mess up. Eek.

On the other hand, when we approach life with a “getting better” mindset, we KNOW we’re not perfect, we’re not trying to prove ourselves, and we embrace challenges as they provide the path to growth—which, rather than looking good, is our primary goal. Setbacks are simply data points for us, not signals we’re unalterably flawed.

How do YOU tend to show up? Check in on that.

And know this: “If you focus on growth instead of validation, on making progress instead of proving yourself, you are less likely to get depressed because you won’t see setbacks and failures as reflecting your own self-worth. And you are less likely to stay depressed, because feeling bad makes you want to work harder and keep striving. You get up off the couch, dust off the potato chip crumbs, and get busy getting better.”

Amen.

Here’s to focusing on getting better rather than being good!

This is really powerful stuff. (And I love how politely Halvorson puts it. :)

Visualization.

As Halvorson tells us, there are an awful lot of self-help books out there telling people to visualize the OUTCOMES they want to create in their lives. (And then, of course, creating a vision board fully documenting it all.)

That approach sells in a culture looking for quick fixes and easy solutions.

But it isn’t very effective. What would be a LOT more effective would be visualizing the ACTIONS you’re going to take to achieve your goals.

As Halvorson advises: “Don’t visualize success. Instead, visualize the steps you will take in order to succeed. Just picturing yourself crossing the finish line doesn’t actually help you get there—but visualizing how you run the race (the strategies you will use, the choices you will make, the obstacles you will face) not only will give you greater confidence, but also leave you better prepared for the task ahead. And that is definitely realistic optimism.”

But that’s only part of the problem. As we discussed above, all goals aren’t good for us. And, the fact is that most gurus telling us to create vision boards, get us focused on the WRONG goals.

So, in addition to moving from visualizing outcomes to visualizing action steps, it would be wise to take a close look at your vision board and see how much of the stuff on it is a representation of the EXTRINSIC goals (like wealth/fame/beauty) you think will make you happy.

If your vision board is packed with huge mansions (wealth), you on Oprah (fame), and hot people walking on beaches (beauty), you may want to think about throwing it away.

Those are the WRONG goals.

To repeat: we scientifically know that disproportionately focusing on that stuff does *not* lead to happiness; in fact, research shows that focusing on those extrinsic goals will make you significantly less psychologically stable than peeps who focus on intrinsic goals like deep relationships, personal growth and contributing to their communities.