How to Win Friends and Influence People

That’s from the Preface: “Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book.”

Magic tip #1? You’ve gotta have, as Napoleon Hill (a contemporary of Carnegie) would say, a “burning desire.” You need to have a “deep, driving desire to learn,” and a “vigorous determination” to Optimize your ability to deal with people.

Of course, the same rules apply to getting the most out of ANYTHING in our lives. We’ve gotta REALLY want it. Flip the switch to “ON.” Get to the 212/451 degrees required to ignite your activation energy. Etc.

Modern science agrees. Dust off that mental tattoo of our Motivation equation. Motivation (aka your sustained commitment to achieving something) equals Value x Expectancy divided by Impulsivity x Delay. You’ve gotta really want it and expect you can have it then you need to keep your energy focused and set micro-wins in pursuit of that goal.

(Pop quiz: Do you have that for your life? Awesome.)

Tip #6 in this section? Carnegie tells us that “Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. So, if you desire to master the principles you are studying in this book, do something about them. Apply these rules at every opportunity. If you don’t, you will forget them quickly. Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.”

Amen to that. Just what we talk about in Learning 101.

Let’s get fired up to learn how to Optimize. Then move from theory to practice by finding ways to apply these Ideas to our lives… TODAY!

Welcome to the first section: “Fundamental Techniques in Handling People,” chapter 1: “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive.”

Q: Can you guess the #1 Principle in How to Win Friends and Influence People?

(Take a guess…)

A:“Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.” <— That’s the fastest way to kick over the beehive.

Carnegie is a great storyteller. He tells us about the evolution of relationship exemplars like Abraham Lincoln and Benjamin Franklin. Earlier in their lives, both of those guys were pretty good at publicly pointing out people’s faults.

Lincoln was so good at ripping into people that he nearly got killed in a duel as a young man as a result of a scathing lampoon in a local paper. “That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.”

Then Carnegie tells: “Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling people, that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret to his success? ‘I will speak ill of no man,’ he said, ‘. . . and speak all the good I know of everybody.’

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”

So, if we want to Optimize our relationships, we need to remember Principle #1: “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.”

What should we do instead? Work on ourselves!!

Another American hero, Thomas Jefferson, shares a great idea from the ultimate moral exemplar, Jesus, in The Jefferson Bible: “Matthew 7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerst not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite! First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

Will Bowen wrote a whole book about this called A Complaint Free World. Basic idea: See if you can go 21 days without ANY complaining, criticizing and gossiping. I still haven’t succeeded in that challenge. Time to give it another try!

Back to Carnegie for the final words on this idea: “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’

As Dr Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?”

That’s from a chapter on “A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression.”

How? SMILE!

Don’t feel like it? Do it anyway! (Laughing.) And watch the “feelings” follow that simple behavior. And… Watch your relationships improve. Smiles are contagious boomerangs. Give one and you’re likely to get one back right away.

I’m reminded of a Will Bowen gem from A Complaint Free World. He tells us:“Complaining should happen infrequently; criticism and gossip, never… Most of the complaining we do is just a lot of ‘ear pollution’ detrimental to our happiness and well-being.”

Guess what? Your grumpy frown is “eye pollution.”

Lighten up! SMILE!

That William James line makes me think of Richard Wiseman’s The As If Principle. Carnegie wrote this in 1937—decades after William James made that comment but decades before science unequivocally proved his insightful wisdom to be correct.

As Wiseman (best name ever) puts it: “The notion of behavior causing emotion suggests that people should be able to create any feeling they desire simply by acting as if they are experiencing that emotion. Or as James famously put it, ‘If you want a quality, act as if you already have it.’ I refer to this simple but powerful proposition as the As If principle.

This aspect of James’s theory energized him more than any other. In one public talk, he described the potential power of the idea as ‘bottled lightning’ and enthusiastically noted, ‘The sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness . . . is to sit up cheerfully, to look round cheerfully, and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. . . . To wrestle with a bad feeling only pins our attention on it, and keeps it still fastened in the mind.’”

Plus, science says:“The message from the As If principle and the fun factory is clear: rather than trying to cheer yourself up by thinking happy thoughts, it is far quicker and more effective to simply behave as if you are having a good time. Smile, put a spring in your step, hold your head up high, use happy talk, dance, laugh, sing, or do whatever else you enjoy. Or, to put it another way, if you want to be happy and you know it, clap your hands.”

Remember: Want to make a great first (and second and thirtieth!) impression?

S M I L E!!

(Now a good time to practice? :)

P.S.: Don’t forget: Acting as if? That’s BOTTLED LIGHTNING.

You want the ultimate how-to formula for having great relationships? Easy day: Flip open your Handbook to the Golden Rule. Follow that as your guide. Let’s walk through all the wisdom teachers and traditions Carnegie just mentioned as we mine our goldmine of golden rules:

Zoroaster says: “Whatever is disagreeable to yourself do not do unto others.”

Confucius says: “‘Is there a single word which can be a guide to conduct throughout one’s life?’ The Master said, ‘It is perhaps the word ‘shu.’ Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.’”

Lao-tse says: “To those who are good to me, I am good; and to those who are not good to me, I am also good; and thus all get to receive good.”

Buddha says: “Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.”

Hinduism says: “This is the sum of duty: do naught to others which if done to thee would cause thee pain.”

What do YOU say? Fantastic. Live it.

P.S. Whenever I share the Golden Rule I also like to share Tal Ben-Shahar’s Platinum Rule: “Do not do unto yourself what you would not do unto others.”

Meet Rex, Dale’s little Boston bulldog. Rex didn’t like going through the park with a leash. So, Dale let him run off the leash. Then a mounted policeman found them and rudely threatened to put them in front of a judge.

Dale complied and put little Rex on a leash. For a few days. :)

Then, lo and behold, the next time Dale’s out with Rex he’s off the leash and who do they meet? That same surly policeman. Only this time Dale apologizes profusely. “I was in for it. I knew it. So I didn’t wait until the policeman started talking. I beat him to it. I said: ‘Officer, you caught me red-handed. I’m guilty. I have no alibis. No excuses. You warned me last week that if I brought the dog out here again without a muzzle you would fine me.’”

Now, the policeman who was so rude and domineering the first time says, “‘Well, now…” and proceeds to say it’s not that big of a deal. (Hah!)

I actually put this one to good use yesterday. Alexandra and I had a little argument in the morning. I, ahem, may have violated Principle #1 and criticized her about something trivial. (Laughing. Oops. It happens! #needswork)

So… I finish the book and come downstairs later that day and say, “I violate pretty much every rule Carnegie has in that book!” (Laughing again.) To which Alexandra playfully replies, “You should have read it ten years ago!!” We both laugh (and, thankfully, I resist the urge to say *she* should read it as well!) and then she says, “Well, what about me?! I say I’m all about Zero Waste and I’ve been terrible at trying to work on that!”

Moral of the story: Have the humility to admit when you’re wrong. Take responsibility for your mistakes and weaknesses rather than trying to ignore or defend them. Try it and see the magic!

P.S. I’m reminded of Epictetus’s line in The Enchiridion:“If a man has reported to you, that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make any defense to what has been told you: but reply, The man did not know the rest of my faults, for he would not have mentioned these only.”

That’s another core principle: Give honest and sincere appreciation. I love making it a game to see qualities that are awesome in EVERYONE I meet. Then share it with them.

Other Principles we might want to keep in mind today: “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.” “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’” “Become genuinely interested in other people.” “Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.” “Try honestly to see things from the other person’s view.” And, “Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.”

Although we probably haven’t met (yet!), I’m honored to be a part of your life as we Optimize our lives together and consider you a virtual friend. Thank you for your support. Let’s do this!! :)