The Power of TED*

DDT is poisoning our world.

No, not that kind of DDT. We’re talking about the “Dreaded Drama Triangle” here.

Adapted from Dr. Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle created in the 1960’s, the Dreaded Drama Triangle is the toxic mess we find ourselves in too often in our lives.

As with any good triangle, the Dreaded Drama Triangle has three points. In this case: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.

Here’s a quick look at ‘em:

So, that’s pretty straight-forward, eh?

As we look at the DDT, we’ll see that each of three positions can’t exist without the others. For someone to be a Victim, someone (or something) else must be a Persecutor.

It’s also interesting to note: “All victims have experienced a loss—a thwarted desire or aspiration—even if they’re not aware of it.”

And: “Frozen in fear, you avoid responsibility because you think your experience is beyond your control. This stance keeps you from making decisions, solving problems, or going after what you want in life.”

Finally, remember: “Victims may be defensive, submissive, over-accommodating to others, passive-aggressive in conflict, dependent on others for self-worth, overly sensitive, even manipulative. They’re often angry, resentful, and envious, feeling unworthy or ashamed about their circumstances. Have you ever felt or acted this way?”

Question: Can you think of a time or two when you might have embodied the Victim?!?

Persecutors. The most easy-to-spot villain in the DDT drama!

Although they act tough, keep in mind Emerald’s wisdom: “Persecutors, like Victims, act out of fear. The may seem fearless, but actually Persecutors are almost always former Victims.”

Question: Can you think of a time or two when you might have embodied the Persecutor?!

Good ol’ Rescuers.

I think it’s cool how Emerald points out the fact that we can look to things outside of ourselves like alcohol or sex or even TV—anything to “rescue” us from the feelings of victimhood.

“Persecutors fear loss of control. Rescuers fear loss of purpose. Rescuers need Victims—someone to protect or fix—to bolster their self-esteem.”

Question: Can you think of a time or two when you might have embodied the Rescuer?!

So now that we’ve taken a quick look at the three orientations of the Dreaded Drama Triangle, let’s take a quick peak at the main characters in its antidote: The Empowerment Dynamic.

Whereas the Victim has a Persecutor and a Rescuer in DDT, TED’s triad features a Creator with a Challenger and a Coach.

Here’s more:

Brilliant.

So, the thing to remember about being a Creator is: “The focus in the Creator Orientation is on a Vision or an Outcome. You orient your thoughts and actions toward creating what you most deeply want to see or experience in life.”

And: “A Creator is vision-focused and passion-motivated. To really live into your Creator self, you are called to do the inner work necessary to find your own sense of purpose—whatever touches your heart and holds meaning for you.”

See the difference between the Persecutor and the Challenger?

Powerful stuff.

We’ll go into more detail on how to make the shift between the two soon.

To stress the big difference between the Rescuer and the Coach:

The rescuer sees a person as a Victim—incapable of getting by without his/her support.

The Coach, on the other hand, sees the individual they’re supporting as a Creator—totally capable of rockin’ it on their own.

BIG distinction.

All that’s brilliant, but how do we shift from one of the DDT roles and get into the empowered roles when we get stuck?

The simple (but not easy!) solution?

Ask the right question.

“Living from the Creator Orientation is actually more challenging. In the Victim Orientation, I didn’t have to exercise conscious choice; I just reacted to my circumstances.”

Robert Kegan once said that behind every complaint is a deeper commitment. Meaning: If you’re complaining about something (i.e., being a Victim), the complaint simply points to a deeper commitment you have for yourself that is currently being thwarted.

For example, if I’m complaining about not having the freedom to pursue my creative ideas and putting someone or something in the position of Persecutor, I need to recognize that I’m falling into Victim-mode and ask myself: “What do I want?” In this case, the answer would be something like: “I want more freedom to create.”

The moment we ask that question, we’ve shifted our focus from the problem to the vision/solution. We’re no longer helpless Victims in the clutches of some Persecutor but Creators dealing with a Challenger (or challenging situation).

That’s a powerful shift.

(My personal favorite when I fall into DDT. Ahem. :)

I tend to challenge myself and others. I find that when I’m not living up to my own ideals, I can (frighteningly easily!) fall into the Persecutor role.

The question to ask when I witness this? “What is my intention?“

If I’m in Persecutor-mode, I tend to be unconsciously asserting my power and trying to prove that I’m right.

To shift to Challenger, I need to make sure I’m grounded in the intention of love and the desire to support the individual’s growth.

So, try it!

The next time you find yourself persecuting someone, ask yourself the question: “What is my intention?” and shift yourself from Persecutor to Challenger!

You’re in Rescuer-mode.

Remember, the problem with a Rescuer orientation is that you don’t think the person with whom you’re interacting is capable of doing fine without your help. You’re putting them into a Victim role.

To shift to Coach, ask yourself this question: “Do I believe the person I’m serving is whole without me?”

A Coach treats everyone as a Creator—totally whole and capable of solving their own problems. With that mindset, no one needs to be rescued, eh?

Pick up a rubber band. (Imagining it will be fine. :)

Put it between the biggest finger on each of your hands.

Pull your fingers apart, stretching the rubber band.

Now, imagine that your right hand is your ideal, pulling away from your left hand, that represents your current reality.

Feel the tension?

Nice.

That tension between your fingers is the same type of tension that exists when you dare to dream and envision your ideal life. The moment we do that, we create what TED calls “Dynamic Tension” between our ideal and our current reality.

Here’s the challenge: What do we want to do when we feel that tension between our fingers and between our ideal and where we are? Relieve it, right?

As TED advises: “In the case of dynamic tension, you can resolve the tension in either direction. You can let go of your vision and snap back toward your current reality, or you can move from your current situation toward your vision.”

As Victims, we compromise our ideal vision and then bitch that someone’s persecuting us.

As Creators?

As Creators, we know: “It’s impossible to invest your soul in a compromise.”

So, we hold that tension and take what TED calls “Baby Steps” toward our goal.

It’s so easy to throw up our hands and walk away when we feel stressed or overwhelmed—turning to the nearest “Rescuer” (TV, a drink, sex) to numb ourselves from the pain of holding the tension.

As you know, that’s not a good idea.

We’ve gotta remember to put ourselves into Creator-mode, ask ourselves: “What do I want?” and then figure out what the next thing is that we need to do.

I love the way Byron Katie describes it (see Notes on Loving What Is). She calls it “Doing the dishes.” :)

She says: “What I call ‘doing the dishes’ is the practice of loving the task in front of you. Your inner voice guides you all day long to do simple things such as brush your teeth, drive to work, call your friend, or do the dishes. Even though it’s just another story, it’s a very short story, and when you follow the direction of the voice, the story ends. We are really alive when we live as simply as that—open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now… What we need to do unfolds before us, always—doing the dishes, paying the bills, picking up the children’s socks, brushing our teeth. We never receive more than we can handle, and there is always just one thing to do. Whether you have ten dollars or ten million dollars, life never gets more difficult than that.”

Brilliant.

The fact is we pretty much always know what we need to do next. The problem is that we often ignore that inner guidance system.

As Katie says: “When a thought appears such as ‘Do the dishes’ and you don’t do them, notice how an internal war breaks out… The stress and weariness you feel are really mental combat fatigue.”

So, what’s your next baby step?

… And, as you start rockin’ those baby steps, remember: “Some of the steps you take may end up being detours or out-and-out mistakes. By staying focused on your vision, though, you’ll find even those steps useful in the creating process.”

Powerful.

No matter how hard we may try, it’s simply impossible to invest our souls in a compromise!

My final questions for you: What’s your ideal?

What are you investing your soul in?!?

… And, of course: What’s your next baby step?